Why, I am a shy and modest flower, but if you must know... I was born a cuddly lil' baby in 1843 in a lovely white mansion in Mississippi. Now, I cannot read nor write, (a dainty Southern Belle has no need for academic fiddle-faddle), but my dear friend and sister Miss Adeline is writing this all down for me and I do hope she knows how to spell the word Mississippi. Many people have problems with that, as you should well know.
Silly me. Am I babblin'? I just know you are excited to learn more of me so I must continue. Now, I was a beautiful child. I looked exactly like a porcelain doll with red apple cheeks and charmin' golden locks of hair. Why, my hair looked like sunshine. My beautiful momma was a very upstanding citizen in the community and always told me that Jesus said I was special and I should get everything I want. My poppa was a wealthy and handsome man who owned a cotton plantation.
Now, I had made a promise to myself as a little girl that someday I would marry a man just like my poppa...strong...handsome...rich... Why, feedle dee doe. He could just hide me away in his big strong hand and keep me safe, wealthy and happy. But, I suppose that would make him a giant if his has was that big. So, forget what I just told you because I have absolutely no interest at all in marrying a giant!
Again, I see I am teeterin' off the track and I must tell you more about my amazin' life. My dear childhood was carefree. In fact, I had a very good friend named Scarlet who lived in another lovely mansion just a few plantations away. We were both named after colors. Isn't that just peculiar? She was a little bitch though and was completely in love with this weakling of a man named Ashley. I must tell you he was the only man in the entire community that I did NOT want to marry. I should've drowned that Scarlet in the wishin' well when I had a chance...just like I did to my sisters and brothers. Put those silly dears out of their misery, I always say.
The war? Oh, yes. When I was a ravishin' young lady of a ripe age to marry, this nasty awful Civil War got in my way and ruined everything! Why, all those Southern men appeared so stately in their uniforms that I volunteered as a nurse to assist them in their troubles and give them all equal opportunity to propose marriage to me. But to my surprise, all I heard those horrid horrid soldiers say was, "Stop the bleedin'" and "Don't cut off my leg!" Can you believe that? Here's this lovely angelic face lookin' down upon then and all they could think about was their own pain and agony! Do you know what I would do? I would just pick up an axe and chop that leg or arm right off. If I was not good enough to be their wife, then I was not good enough to save some silly ol' limb with a gunshot wound which just happened to be connected to their bodies. So there!
Now, just as all this was happenin', who should I meet but two darlin' women who looked as if they stepped right out of history. Grizelda and Miss Frenchy. They told me I was as Evil as they were and would I like to receive the gift of Eternal Life? I will tell you now that I am not Evil, but I must admit, I do have a bad temper. Well, this offer did seem a little ridiculous but I figured I did need forever to find myself a husband with the rate I was goin'. Those awful men did not know what they were missin'. So we pricked fingers (that part hurt) and exchanged blood like they do in fairy tales. I did find myself new Sisters, but I still haven't found myself a husband. Oh, pity me.
And the last part of my story? My Evil Sisters and I took one of those new fancy steam locomotives out West...
OTHER NAMES: Violent, The Violator, The Dainty Girl in the Big Purple Cupcake Dress Who Can FUCK YOU UP!
CRIMINAL SPECIALTY: Murder
GOAL IN LIFE: To find a lovin' husband who owns a huge white mansion with multitudes of servants, fluffy puppy dogs, and all the cotton and tobacco fields a pretty young lady like me could possibly desire. What could be a better goal than that?
HOBBIES: Knittin' while I am on the toilet.
MODERN CAREER YOU WOULD CHOOSE: Why dear hearts, I am a Southern Belle. Now what in Heaven and Hell and everywhere in between would I do with a career?
BAD HABIT: I have almost made it to the altar with so many privileged young men. Unfortunately, my temper takes over and I end up killin' every one of them before we ever say, "I do." That is somethin' I must work on in the future. I must think about it while I knit a scarf on the toilet tonight.
FAVORITE COLOR: Violet
FAVORITE FLOWER: Violet
IDEAL MAN: Shhh. I will share a secret with you but you must be discrete. General Stonewall Jackson. I do know he is dead but I still keep a tiny tintype of him under my pillow. And sometimes, I have a little fantasy about havin' his babies on a big plantation.
FAVORITE GAME: Trap the Man, of course!
WHY CHOOSE GRIZELDA'S OFFER OF ETERNAL LIFE: Like I said before, I need more time to find a proper husband. I suppose at this point, even an improper husband will do. But, I will tell you another secret, kind friends. As soon as I find myself my very own Rhett Butler, I plan to escape from this Evil Sisterhood and enjoy the rest of my days in Holy Matrimony. That is a promise!
