MINNIE
(THE KLEPTO — 1920s)

What year is this? 2007? 2008? Ahh, gee whiz. I'm too drunk ta care! I wanna tell you about the Roarin' Twenties when things were really fun. Hmm...but I gotta go back ta the Turn of the Century when I was a kid and things weren't so fun. Fuck. I was born in 1898? 1899? 1900? Something like that. Oh, in Brooklyn. That's New York. I have no idea who my parents were and I was left for dead on the doorstep of an orphanage. Really, I'm not kiddin' ya! Wait. 'Scuse me while I slug down some gin. (Burp.) God, that was good!

So anyway...I was an orphan, kinda like Little Orphan Annie, but if she were in my orphanage, I woulda kicked some little orphan ass. She was too much of a goodie-goodie and she didn't have pupils in her eyes as far as I remember. Yeah, I was unwanted. But, it just made me tough and street smart...and made me really love booze!

Now, to survive in that shit hole, I learned to steal. It started with balls of fuzz. Hey, don't laugh! Fuzz was all we kids got for toys. Then I got onto bigger and better...shoes...coins...cigarettes...booze. Yeah, I was a natural. All the unwanted kids looked up to me.

When I turned the legal working age of ten, they let me outta that joint ta fend for myself. I took ta the streets like a star of the silver screen takes to cocaine-covered peanuts. Oh, and that's when I saw my first flicker. I just snuck right in the theater, and buster, I was hooked! I wanted to be an entertainer in the worst way.

I loved ta sing and act so I joined up with a touring vaudeville troupe. I would dress up as a clown and I would have ta do this act onstage with a chimpanzee and a dog. One day, the chimp got mad and snapped the dog's arm clear off! The guys who ran the troupe blamed it all on me and stopped the act. I begged my manager ta let me sing but he said my voice sounded like some scratchy crap he heard on a chalkboard. So, we came up with this swell plan to oodlelize (I can't pronounce it) my best talent of all... STEALING! I would stay in the audience and pick-pocket, swipe mink coats off the backs of chairs and slip diamond rings off of any broad's finger I shook the hand of.

Our crooked vaudeville show traveled to every state in the US. I was seein' the world. Every now and then, I'd catch a flicker and pretend I was the star. God, I wish I coulda been Clara Bow. My manager told me I was never gonna amount ta nothin' 'cuz I drank so much I couldn't even light my own cigarette. (Burp.) That's baloney, if ya ask me.

So, one night...1924?...1925?...we was performing in Chicago in this nifty nightclub and these shady-lookin' dames in old granny dresses saw me liftin' some expensive goods in the audience. Later, they came backstage when I was having a fight with my manager over what's my rightful share of the loot. These women beat the shit outta him and tossed him in the alley like a rotten piece of rhubarb! They told me I could live forever if I joined their Evil Sisterhood and that I could steal, drink gin and smoke for all Eternity. Sure, I'm on board. How can ya beat something like that? We pricked our fingers with a broken booze bottle, exchanged blood, and now I oodleize my talents to the best of my ability. I never became Clara Bow...but I did become an Evil Sister!

OTHER NAMES: The Thief, The Party Gal, The Chain-Smokin' Boozer, The Woikin' Goil Who Don't Really Woik

CRIMINAL SPECIALTY: Thievery

FAVORITE HOBBIE: Drinking gin...or any kinda booze. Smoking.

FAVORITE DANCE: The Charleston...though I do fall down a lot.

BIGGEST DREAM: To become a star of the silver screen or a great singer on the vaudeville stage. Are screens silver anymore? Does vaudeville still exist? Hmm. BEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY: Stealing the orphanage mother's wig and knockin' out some kid's front teeth.

FAVORITE ANIMAL: Sometimes when I see double I like to pretend I'm a fly.

FAVORITE GAME: Mahjong. It was me who introduced it to my Evil Sisters.

PET PEEVES: Ol' self-righteous flat tires who go to church and tell me how to live my life. It wasn't my fault I got a belly ache and had to puke all over the church steps last week.

FAVORITE FOOD: Lobster...and anything else that tastes like gin. (Burp.)

BAD HABIT: Burping. I know it ain't ladylike, but is that really a bad habit?

WHY CHOOSE GRIZELDA'S OFFER OF ETERNAL LIFE: Booze, ciggies, mink coats forever? Could I say more? Of course, living forever does have it's bad days. My Sisters kinda get on my nerves sometimes. They get really bitchy and I could swear they're all on the rag at the same time.